The Quest for Pants

In the last two months I have spent close to $400 on trousers.

I'll let that sink in for a second. Four. Hundred. Dollars. After spending that kind of money, just guess how many pairs of pants I now own. I'll give you a second to do the math. Ready? The answer: 2. How many of two pairs of pants I came away with actually fit? 1. How many of the pants that fit that I came away with fit well? 0.

What's going on here? Why, that's exactly what I would like to know. Before I continue I should point out that I did not pay $200 per pair. I bought several pair from several different stores and ended up with only two, returning the rest. One of which was a custom tailored pant (that didn't fit) and therefore couldn't be returned. Admittedly, I am being picky. I no longer settle for pants that physically fit. I want pants that fit well, and this seems to be an impossibility. I feel as though I may have angered a higher power or something as I have opened several packages to find trousers with tags that read the correct size, but when compared to a pair I already own, resemble some sort of cruel joke at my junk's expense.

What's the deal? In short, I'm a freak. To big for regular people, too small for big & tall. My experience has left me wondering how normal people can just go about their lives in legged bliss while some of us wander this Earth clinging to the only stitches of trouser-dom that actual fit decently. I just want to channel George Costanza and scream "HAS THE WHOLE WORLD GONE CRAZY?!!!?!! SERENITY NOW!!!"

Seriously, you may take it for granted, but I have absolutely no idea what it feels like to be able to walk into a store, pick a pair of pants up off the rack, pay, leave and wear pants.

I end up on the Internet, filtering results, trying to figure out how a 300p x300p picture will translate into 4D and eating a lot of shipping costs. Sometimes I wish that I weren't so tall. Maybe I could get bone graft surgery or something, but then I think of all the short people I have made fun of throughout my life and I realize that karma can be a bitch.

It's not just me though. The quest for pants is a tale older than anyone can remember. Trousers have been a prominent reoccurrence throughout the history of the world. Scots vs. English? Pants vs. Kilts. Some say, Napoleon's ability to find pants off the rack in any store helped him to develop the confidence and cavalier attitude needed to lead a million troops to war. Benjamin Franklin, was recently revealed to be quite the ladies man and anyone who has handled a one hundred dollar bill can attest to the fact that the man was fugmo. The secret to his successes, then? Tight pants.

In recent years, several wars can be blamed on pants or the lack thereof. And most notably, even Superman, the man of steel himself has been documented as being unable to find a pair of trousers worthy of his might. It's a well-known fact that Superman IV: The Quest for Peace, was originally to be called Superman IV: The Quest for Pants. In this version, Superman, tired of saving the world time and time again, decides to become Clark Kent for good, but cannot find a pair of pants that can contain his... er, super ...physique. Instead, the trouser angle was scrapped and replaced with something about nuclear power and Dolph Lundgren being evil.

Regardless, I shall persevere, and when I find the perfect pair of pants I will buy the company that makes them.


Hammer said…
i have the exact same problem, both with pants and with dress shirts. it virtually takes an act of a non-existent deity for me to find a pair of pants that fit well in a style that I like. Furthermore, since there are tree trunks with a smaller diameter than my neck, it's exceptionally difficult to locate a properly fitting dress shirt that doesn't 1. cut off circulation to my cranium when I make a vain attempt to button the top button so I can actually wear a tie, 2. fit me like a tent.